Dr. K wanted to know which teams I’m supporting at the #WorldCup2014. 

The thing is — I am unabashedly superficial and non-committal when it comes to sports, so the logic of my loyalties goes something like this:

1. Who collectively has better looking players?
2. Who collectively has more melanin? See #1.
3. Always most recently colonized/war-torn/occupied over most recent colonizer/occupier
4. Who is the black sheep of the family no one expects to succeed and everyone expects to fail – or become a failed state? Or drug lord (unless you’re Brasil)?
5. Africa over everyone. Also see #1-4.
6. None of this applies if your team has a disproportionate number of obstinate jerks – or entitled drama queens who don’t know how to act but believe they are worthy of a Tony.
7. Always go back to #1.